People often have a number of worries when they are going through a divorce including practical, financial and emotional concerns. One of the biggest concerns for parents though is the impact that it will have upon their children and when and how they should tell them.
There is no “one size fits all” answer to this as it will depend on the ages and personalities of the child or children involved. It will also depend on the particular circumstances of the separation.
We have set out below some general guidelines, but you could also have a look at some of the books on our reading list for hints and tips on how to approach this difficult task.
Who?
Ideally parents should tell the child or children together. This might be difficult, particularly if one parent is still struggling with the idea of the separation themselves, but it helps if a united front can be presented. It can also avoid a child feeling that they are being asked to take sides.
What?
It is best to be honest with your children, but they do not necessarily need all of the details (for example if one person has had an affair), particularly if they are young. It might help to plan out together in advance what you are going to say, who is going to say it and how you might deal with the questions that are likely to be asked.
Where?
It is probably best to do it at home as you do not know what the reaction might be. There may be tears, anger or just withdrawal initially and it can be harder to deal with these away from home, particularly if you have more than one child and they all react differently.
When?
This can be a difficult decision to make. Ideally, you want to be able to set out a plan to them of how the future might look in terms of where everybody will be living, what time they might spend with each parent and so on. However, it may take time to agree on these details and in the meantime the child or children may simply work out what is happening for themselves and feel you have not been honest.
This is going to be about balance and will very much be dependent on the circumstances and the individuals involved.
How?
The situation needs to be explained as calmly as possible, with as much reassurance as possible (without trying to sugar coat) and you should avoid blaming the other parent.
It is inevitable that both parents will be dealing with their own emotions but what should be avoided, if possible, is one parent simply blurting it out without any planning and/ or without letting the other know of their intentions. This can make an already difficult situation worse.
If you have any questions about this issue or any issues relating to divorce, separation, financial matters or children please contact a member of our specialist family law team.
